Rogues’ Blog: Local Institution Appoints Wellbeing Lead to Help Staff Cope with Institution

The Rogues’ Blog. Episode 3

Fictional satire. Companion to The Laminator, Episode 11: And Breathe

Staff at a local institution have welcomed the appointment of a dedicated Wellbeing Lead by asking whether this means they can now have a break. It does not.

“It means we can have a conversation about what a break means to you,” explained Wellbeing, setting a scented candle down beside the unanswered request for more staff. The conversation will take place during their break.

Wellbeing is the wife of Leadership and the mother of The Laminator. She joins the organisation after an extensive recruitment process in which Leadership turned to the other end of the sofa.

“She has an extraordinary ability to remain calm,” he said. Wellbeing has never seen the timetable.

In a flower crown, with a yoga mat under one arm, she described the appointment as “a natural next step” after several years of telling people carrying heavy things to relax their shoulders.

“I’ve always been drawn to helping,” she told our reporter. “I can see someone struggling from across a room and know straight away which essential oil they need.”

Asked whether she might help carry the heavy thing, Wellbeing closed her eyes. “We can’t do the work for people.”

Her first initiative is breathing.

“Nobody was coordinating it,” she said. “Some people were breathing in while others were breathing out. There was no shared vision.”

There is now a policy. The Laminator had it finished before lunch, and staff have been asked to read it and sign to confirm they understand how lungs work.

“I’m very proud of Mum,” he said, holding up a sheet still warm from the rollers. “Dad listens. Mum breathes. I seal. Between the three of us, that’s the whole response.”

A teacher who came over to ask for classroom support was told to wait until the family photograph had been taken. The photograph is evidence of support.

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By Tuesday, the Wellbeing Board was up and running. It carries four laminated instructions: breathe in, breathe out, exercise, and eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.

A fifth notice, reminding staff to drink water, had to be moved because it covered the sign explaining why they cannot leave their posts to use the toilet.

“We’re taking a whole-person approach,” Wellbeing confirmed. The whole person is expected to stay available for cover.

Mark, who turned thirty this week, came to the launch with his Zimmer frame. “I was twenty-nine when the consultation started,” he said.

Wellbeing presented him with a reusable cup that says You Matter. His request to leave at his contracted finishing time is still under consideration.

“Mark is a wonderful example of resilience,” she said. “He keeps coming back.”

Mark looked straight at the camera. “My mortgage is here.”

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The appointment has already uncovered a worrying culture of negativity.

At a recent listening circle, one member of staff raised workload, another raised staffing, and a third asked whether anything from the previous listening circle had been acted on.

“It was quite a difficult group,” Wellbeing admitted. “Every time I offered a solution, somebody brought up the problem.”

Her solution was a gratitude jar. Within the hour it held three requests for cover, a resignation letter and a note reading, “I would be grateful if we could discuss staffing.” The jar has since been removed, pending a review of how staff engage with wellbeing opportunities.

Leadership confirmed that every concern had been heard. He could not say where any of them went afterwards.

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Thursday’s compulsory relaxation session started eleven minutes late, because nobody was free to cover the staff attending it. Those who stayed behind were praised for their flexibility. Those who attended were reminded to catch up.

“Close your eyes,” Wellbeing said. “Imagine a place where nobody needs anything from you.”

Several staff began to cry. She recorded this as engagement.

The session was meant to include a trust fall, but it was dropped when everyone checked their timetable before agreeing to catch anyone. A short exercise on boundaries went better.

“Practise saying no,” Wellbeing encouraged.

“No,” said a teacher.

“Not to this.”

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Friday brought goat yoga.

The goat arrived with a handler, a written risk assessment, protected rest periods and a clear maximum working time. Staff asked to see its contract. One asked how to retrain.

Mark couldn’t manage the floor exercises, but he enjoyed the matcha almond milk, which he described as “something to hold while I wait for my actual lunch.”

The goat ate part of the Wellbeing Board, and The Laminator was briefly inconsolable. Leadership announced that the damage was an opportunity to refresh the strategy. Nobody pointed out that the goat had delivered the only measurable reduction in paperwork all week.

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At the end-of-week review, Wellbeing reported excellent results. Staff had attended four events, received six emails about switching off, and completed a wellbeing survey at home, because there was no time to do it at work.

Ninety-three per cent said they were overwhelmed.

“We’re delighted with that level of participation,” she said. The other seven per cent hadn’t yet found the time to be overwhelmed in writing.

Asked what would change as a result, Wellbeing announced a second survey. “This one will explore why staff don’t feel listened to.”

Leadership raised his Ear Shield. “I hear you.”

The Laminator reached for a fresh pouch.

Outside, Mark was trying to get his Zimmer frame over the threshold. The door had been propped shut to protect the calming atmosphere.

Wellbeing watched him for a moment. “And breathe,” she said.

You can’t breathe your way out of a workload.

Fictional satire. No real people or quotations. Any resemblance to an institution offering mindfulness instead of enough staff is entirely deliberate.